The Worst Best Friend

You know that one best friend that sticks to you like glue? Not by your own choice, but by their own. They step into your lives and refuse to leave. They are nosey and loud and unfiltered. Constantly making you uncomfortable, you feel rude for being nice to them but truly resenting them inside. They behave as if you are the closest of friends, but never truly provide you any type of support as a friend should. You are constantly carrying their weight around, supporting them and showing them love because despite their flaws you feel they deserve it. Sometimes their presences ebbs and flows, they disappear for weeks or even months. For a brief moment you find yourself missing them in a sense, but in another sense you feel as if you can finally breathe-- you are free of guilt and the weight.

My depression is my worst best friend. It comes and goes. Sometimes I forget it exists, but it's always there hiding-- ready to jump out and attack me at any point. It reveals all of your deepest secrets and vulnerabilities, just like that typical worst best friend. When the depression is present it is suffocating, it pushes and prods until you can no longer resist. It makes you break. Your breaking point means no filtering, an inability to keep your deepest pains to yourself, you can no longer hold in your feelings and thoughts, nor can you see that part of you most recognize as reasoning.

Depression means self doubt, self hate, amplified pains, physical discomfort, and non-stop chanting in your head. There is no breathing, there are no breaks, no stops. During those brief intervals of depression free days that does not truly mean freedom. Without depression one can only brace themselves for the return of the depression, there is constant fear of the return of the depression. Freedom is not without weight or flaws. Once you let in the false sense of security your security blanket is ripped from you just to make you feel twice as stupid as your depression naturally does.

My depression is my worst best friend. Although I have some great best friends, they can only ward off the depression so much. Depression is an internal issue, friends are external remedies that can only scratch the surface of the internal pains one suffers with. The internal remedies modern medicine offers brings more complications than results; otherwise, there really are not internal remedies available.

You know that one best friend that sticks to you like glue? You know how when you were in kindergarten your peers teach you to put elmers glue on your fingers and then once it dries you can peel it off? My depression does not stick to me like elmers glue... my depression is super glue. Not super like Superman or Superstar... but like an impenetrable stickiness. This super glue cannot be washed off... it cannot be peeled off... it will not leave.

My depression is my worst best friend and I am tired of it's presence.