Losing Control

In a world where we are told continuously that we have control over our lives it is hard to face the truth that this is not the truth. Sure some days we have control over what we wear, eat, see, hear and do, but not all days. We do not have control over what we wear in the sense that we cannot say 'poof I want to wear those $5,000 pair of shoes' and make it happen, on a smaller scale we cannot say 'poof I want to fit into that dress I used to love' and make it so. Yes these things could possibly be obtained over time, but not necessarily-- and again, this is not instantaneous control, it is a process. Same can be said for food, because sometimes we lack: time, money, resources and knowledge, to eat what we desire. All these things seem simple to some, you wear what you want to wear, you eat what you want to eat and do as you wish, you control your life.
Growing up feeling and believing this was empowering, in the beginning, but is now heavy like a curse. For as we grow, the controllers are handed over to us. As we grow, we begin to lose control. Sure, when we reach adulthood we are no longer told we cannot have a candy or force fed greens, but in gaining control we begin to lose it all together. Trying to find a grip on where our lives should be, could be, and will be is one of the most disorientating tasks any one has to face. One day we are simply handed a blank canvas and are expected to create a detailed map within a couple years that lays out the next sixty years. This gain and loss of control is both empowering and weakening. Most figure out how to muddle through it and find at least enough control to make it by.
Control in the grand scheme of things is difficult to have, but the worst part is losing control. To once hold the concept of control firmly with both fists and then lose it in a split second is like being cut in half. The control I am addressing at this time is emotional and physical control. To some these are simple concepts, focus or don't think about it, and train your muscles. Just do it. But some days all that just goes out the windows... yes, windowS. It isn't as simple as chasing that control out one door and getting it back like that. It is running in all directions trying to catch all the pieces before they disappear for good.
For me, the emotional control went first. I could not get my mind to stop wandering to all the dark corners it could find. I could not force my brain to quiet during the late sleepless nights. I could not stop myself from focusing on all the bad surrounding me, nor could I separate the logical from the illogical. I have been trained to see all things as possible; therefore, I see all the potentially dreadful scenarios, and all the potentially wonderful scenarios. As one can imagine, the dreadful scenarios tend to eat me whole, they consume my mind and every thought and there is no fighting them off. And where one might think the wonderful scenarios as something to hold on to, a ray of hope I see disappointment. For I tend to hope for the absolute best and wind up holding the absolute worst. Time after time, I am left with a dreadful scenario. The loss of my emotional control was long and steady, bit by bit I began to lose that control.
Next, and very recently, came the loss of physical control. Accompanying my emotional distress, my physical pain began. A response to the emotional turmoil, I began aching and losing control of many bodily functions. Simple things like breathing and eating went first. In times of high distress eating has been difficult, I have now reached a point that if I can eat it does not stay in my body-- one way or another it finds it's way out of there, and fast. Then came my breathing. Every breath feels like cold sharp blades running down my throat and windpipes straight to my lungs where the air then shreds the inside of my lungs. Alongside this cold cutting pain is a hot burning ache all throughout my chest, in my mind it is the blood from the cuts mentioned prior. Holding my breath means digging the blades in deeper, taking a deep breath means letting more blades in, and exhaling means pushing out more blood out. At one time these were the only physical pains and control issues I faced, but as the intensity increased in my emotional distress so did the pain. Then came the real pain.
I thought losing control over my thoughts and over all calm was bad enough, it was silly because shouldn't I be able to just shut it off like everyone says? Then I lost control over my heart. I gave my heart away, and then when I got it back it was destroyed. Now my heart races uncontrollably, beating the blades into my chest deeper and deeper. My heart beating with such vigor in response to the barbed wire wrapped around it. My heart has been defended for years with a bared wire fence that has now collapsed and wrapped itself tightly around my once strong heart. As my heart beats and fights to get free the wire tightens it's grip and pulls tighter and tighter until the urge to grab inside my chest and pull the whole thing out is unbearable.
This pain spreads to my limbs, consuming both my brain and body movements. Walking hurts, breathing hurts, living hurts. It is a complete and utter loss of control. The most disorientating kind of loss. We cannot control the weather, we cannot control death, we cannot control time... but we grow up believing we should be able to have control over ourselves.

... Come to find, losing control over everything is just one nudge away.

I can't tell you how I will find control again, because frankly, I have no freaking clue. This pain is unbearable and I just wish I had the control make it STOP. But unfortunately, just like those few extra pounds you put on during the holidays, I cannot get rid of it with a snap of my fingers. All I can say is that losing control has been the most painful thing I have had to dealing with. Not being able to trust myself in anything is hard, it is the deepest level of insecurity anyone can reach. I used to know how to control all that was me, now I am not even sure where me went, let alone the controllers...

I did a thing

I did a thing. It was all planned out. Letters were written my mind was set. The pain was all consuming and I couldn't fight it anymore. I didn't care how, I just needed to stop. Sure there were ways I'd prefer for it to end, but if life has taught me one thing it is that we never get it the way we would like it. So I did a thing. I was going to use something sharp. But I became trapped to my room, so instead I was going to use the dulling end of pills. The fear of the pills not working is the only thing that held me back. Nothing could bring me back to reality, all I could feel was pain. And I can't handle this pain anymore. So I tried to do a thing, but I was stopped. I'm not sure I'm done trying, because the pain is not done with me. I'm trying to see a reason to fight... But all I can feel is the pain.