I am not sure I can explain it to you, and I am not sure you would even get it if I tried-- but I've had a love for you from the start. At first it was confusing and I didn't understand it. I saw purity, pain, kindness, knowledge, and life in you. But it was confusing. Because you didn't show an interest in me persay, but I saw it in your body language. The first time we hung out and you almost cuddled me absent mindlessly-- catching yourself at the last second. I saw it in the way you fought back smiling when I said or did something. I saw it, but I was confused. I was so used to guys falling for me fast and hard and convincing me to fall for them back, and once I was convinced, they would leave, changed their minds. So I didn't understand why you fought what ever feelings you had for me. But then you opened up.
I had a love for you from the start. Not the "love at first sight" or the "blinded by love" type of love you see in movies. A pure love. I saw you as something beautiful in my life, not as mine, not as my love, but something to love. Simply being around you was calming and energizing all at once. When you began to open up to me and our friendship became a little more than just friends my heart started blossoming. It felt amazing being around you, I felt loved. I never asked you to tell me you loved me, I didn't need that sort of reassurance, I felt it. And that was all that mattered.
Then you started coming around less. The end of the night no longer began "I will never NOT want to go back to your place if you let me" (from you) but "ehhhh I have homework tonight, another time". You started forgetting me, I guess. I am not sure what it was. Am I forgettable? Did you not feel as good being around me now as you used to? Or was it something else?
Life started hitting you in ways it usually hits me. So I tried to be patient. I knew all you wanted to do was shut me out, shut everything out. I got it. But it started reaching a point I didn't know if you would ever let me back in. Not that you ever really let me in very much to begin with, but this was a whole new level of shutting me out. But still, I was patient. Because I knew it could be worth it.
You were confusing. I was not used to being in a new "relationship" were the guy didn't want to be around me 24/7. That's how all of my relationships have been honestly. They come, they're addicted for a week or two, or maybe even a couple months, and then they get burnt out. But with you, there wasn't that addiction, there wasn't that burnt out, it just was. And I decided that was good for me, that was a much more healthy way to go about things. But then you shut me out.
You made me happy in ways I haven't been in a very long time. Healthy ways. I did not feel a need for you constantly, I felt a want often, but you were not the focal point of my life-- and that was refreshing. You were not bad to me. You were not good to me either. You just were a happy and loving person for me go to. So now I am still so confused. You are making me hurt in ways I haven't hurt in a very long time. My heart aches. My heart doesn't feel broken and destroyed like it has from my past few break ups, but it aches. I am not sure this ache is a better feeling. But I have to believe it's a healthier way to feel.
Thank you. Thank you for teaching me to go about things in a more healthy way. You restored in me patience. You restored in me independence. You even are teaching me a healthier way to grieve.
But that does not mean it does not hurt. That does not mean I understand. Why did you choose to leave? Is it something I did? Was I simply not what you wanted? Or were you protecting me? Was your future going to affect us? Did you see a bad side in you coming out that you wanted to keep from me? Or did you come to see I was not worth it like all of those that came before you? Did you just learn earlier than most that I am more work than any person is worth dealing with?
I am hurting, but I'm not all at once, it's so confusing. Why does everything with you have to be so confusing? Sometimes I can't breathe and my blood goes cold when I think of you, other times I smile.
So this is an open letter to the boy who came and left, I have always had a love for you, and I always will. But you have always confused me and unfortunately I fear you always will. You were not bad to me, but you were not good to me either. You gave me a lot, happiness, health, joy, independence, and now pain. I wish you would have not given me the latter.
